Do you wanna see a Gladiator Movie?
Nick here…
Warning: Evan writes with WAY more swear words than Dan… Nothing vulgar, just profanity. End Warning.
So, I love watching movies and I’m sure a lot of you do as well. With my coworkers in the office we often chat a lot about movies, and one of my coworkers stands out with the craziest movie “goodness” criteria I’ve ever seen. It basically follows something very close to the rules described in The Action Hero Championship Belt.
Evan’s rules go like this:
- Do you wanna see a movie about {Insert 10-ish words here that describe the essence of the movie}
- If YES, then proceed. If NO then maybe I’ll try and convince you
- If YES, then lets get into the details.
It is pretty much that. So I asked him to do “Gladiator”. Here it is in the text form… and then we did a funny fake “chat” with me in the image.
Would you like to see a movie about a Roman Gladiator?
– Yes
How many fights should we show?
– A lot of fucking fights
What kind of gladiators should fight?
– All the kinds. I want to see swords, shields, spears, nets, tridents, fucking everything. In fact can we work in chariots?
We can work in chariots.
What’s your stance on animals?
– Fuck yes there should be animals, especially lions or tigers. I want to see this dude destroy multiple species.
Why does he fight?
– I don’t know…should I care? Weren’t gladiators slaves or something?
Well we’re going to need a blockbuster summer movie with a coherent plot to get a big budget. If he’s a normal slave we have to make some moral stance, and it’s going to get pretty heavy. Like Amistad or something. You want a slavery judgement plot point in this thing?
– No, I want to see this dude slash his way through a goddamn arena
But we need a big budget to make a badd ass CGI colosseum. You want to see the colosseum, right?
– Fuck yes I want to see the colosseum. That’s like the center of the gladiator universe.
So why does he fight?
– I don’t know, he’s a disgraced soldier or something. Ooh, or even better he was betrayed! Yeah, that’s it.
Fantastic. Betrayed by whom?
– I don’t know… the fucking emperor. Enough questions make this shit happen.
I’ve got it, what if he’s a Roman general who was betrayed by the emperor and somehow seeks his vengeance through the gladiator arena?
– I don’t know, that sounds like a lot of thinking
This way we can work in a battle where the Roman army slaughters Gauls or some other barbarian tribe. Would you be into that?
– Fuck…yes… No more questions, you’re doing this. And make sure my battle scene has flaming arrows.
Done
I have challenged his formula with a few other movies like “Snakes on a Plane”, “Titanic”, and “I, Frankenstein”… any interest in these or others? I think I may start putting them in on Sunday’s where we don’t currently have anything. That and a few other sundry random ramblings by me.
– Nick